Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
