If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
