It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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