the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
