just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
