"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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