the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
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My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
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Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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