What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
