Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
