you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
