They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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