Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
