Dude my mom stole all your condoms
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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