I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Reggie can tackle my bush.
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do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Found your dick twin last night
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
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The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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