K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
