He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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