I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
