hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
