I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
