Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
