I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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