It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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