Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
