Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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