Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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