My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
