I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
