My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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