I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
