I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
