I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
