so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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