I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
