Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
