dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
