did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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