U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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