Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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