i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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