do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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