there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
