I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
this is an emotional support booty call
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
