Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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