I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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