Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
