I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Randomize
