So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
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