help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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