guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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