Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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