Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
