we made out on top of his cat.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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