I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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