I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
