So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
