dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
