Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
